Some choices we makes for ourselves in life , and some we make for other people; not because we don't love them, but because we do.The only way we know its right, is if it lats us stay true to ourselves...but, we cant regret our choices:
well, at least, that's what they say, in clever TV shows that only last twenty minutes and revolve around the impossible; prostitutes with swollen bank accounts and many private lovers who want to take them off the auction block despite how they have been used...London must be so liberal. I loved that show. Also, this guy certainly echos this sentiment as well; he certainly made a choice and is without regret. Though I suppose, if you are going to kill someone , you shouldn't regret it-but his reasoning is just humorous in the most macabre way...Anyway!
A few days before my 26th year on earth started (October 24th)I decided to join a Medical Trial for an experimental medicine. Prior to this , my mother had told me: "to wait and research more..." and that she didnt want me to do anything until she came back from some vacation she was going on...(my mom is always going on vacation). Traditionally black people are afraid of anything that is unproven or looks experimental, and rightfully so. There is a wicked history in this country of the majority race using African Americans (during slavery and after) as human guinea pigs ie: Medical Apartheid, The Tuskegee experiment, many in between and as recently as the black women inmates in the California prison system being systematically sterilized without consent.
Sometimes I think that because she is able to look in the mirror and not feel like time has passed, she thinks that it stands still...Well, it doesn't and when I overslept( a tool of my unconcious concious) , I battled with myself and called the researchers to reschedule. Also, I had just had that big dramatic incident with the artist formally known as the NSSO and I was not beat to do anything-possibly for the rest of the week. The problem was that I couldn't reschedule as the window for enrolling in the study ended that day at 5pm. So I had a decision to make...I made it.
Quite literally, I made it: I went in.
Honestly, I don't think I knew what I was in for when my physician said that I would be injecting myself with either the medicine/ placebo...daily.
Introducing the instruments of inconvenience and torture:
Oh well, too late to say no-i don't want to be a punk and "mess myself" out of the amazing opportunity to get better. As everyone , with lupus, that I know, is trapped in an impoverished living scenario or dead; I thought it might be time to try something radical and different.
Furthermore, the synthetic prednisone was wearing on me and turning me into an emotional, bed-waggled mess.
I couldn't even seriously start my day until 12pm, which was severely limiting and of-times I would wake up looking like..well..
After two days of the Acthar, I woke up like:
So , as you may very well imagine, I was just a pleased as punch. It seems that I can now wake up early enough to seek and work at a 9-5.
Also, I self tapered off of my synthetic and got down to 10mg of prednisone (something I couldn't do before-I was stuck) Go me! Luckily, I wasn't kicked out of the study for this revolutionary act. You can't just do what you want to do when you are involved in a double blind study. You have to do it their way-following protocol...oh well,
However, three days in I noticed another-not so pleasant change. Well first my mom did (they always do)...she was like>>>>>>>
I was like
People lie, and parents lie...but scales don't and sure enough after a week of taunting and meanery-courtesy of my mother, I found out that I had gained 21.5 lbs in two weeks.
I was looking at the physicians like something has to be done or
No one has met a more upset patient than me. I made every excuse in the world...I ate six slices of cheesecake and went to numerous #scorpioseason #birthdays and I ate. I love food. Contrary to my size 2 frame; Food and I are friends-besties. However, it was apparent that we had become too close...It is an abusive relationship-but I don't know whose the aggressor.
So I went home and my mom was like So I did this:
I started exercising more, because there was no gaurantee that I would/even could eat less due to the medicines side-effect being rapid weight gain...
Two weeks later, I had loss 7 lbs, which was nice, but not enough to make me comfortable or stop the fat jokes from my mom...
I came away from this knowing that no matter how people pretend, when they are skinny/fit, that getting bigger wouldn't affect their self confidence-they are a damn lie! I say stupid stuff like that to my big friends all the time, but I really believe that fat/thick is okay for them-because they are happy.
I think I look better and am more attractive as a skinny person...I don't even want a big booty anymore because it would effect the fit of my clothing. I can't afford new clothing. I can't afford to get fat (saith I, as I eat spaghetti and M&M's for breakfast).
So, until the next time...I will be working , working it out and working it off, because I can't stop eating...
well, at least, that's what they say, in clever TV shows that only last twenty minutes and revolve around the impossible; prostitutes with swollen bank accounts and many private lovers who want to take them off the auction block despite how they have been used...London must be so liberal. I loved that show. Also, this guy certainly echos this sentiment as well; he certainly made a choice and is without regret. Though I suppose, if you are going to kill someone , you shouldn't regret it-but his reasoning is just humorous in the most macabre way...Anyway!
A few days before my 26th year on earth started (October 24th)I decided to join a Medical Trial for an experimental medicine. Prior to this , my mother had told me: "to wait and research more..." and that she didnt want me to do anything until she came back from some vacation she was going on...(my mom is always going on vacation). Traditionally black people are afraid of anything that is unproven or looks experimental, and rightfully so. There is a wicked history in this country of the majority race using African Americans (during slavery and after) as human guinea pigs ie: Medical Apartheid, The Tuskegee experiment, many in between and as recently as the black women inmates in the California prison system being systematically sterilized without consent.
Sometimes I think that because she is able to look in the mirror and not feel like time has passed, she thinks that it stands still...Well, it doesn't and when I overslept( a tool of my unconcious concious) , I battled with myself and called the researchers to reschedule. Also, I had just had that big dramatic incident with the artist formally known as the NSSO and I was not beat to do anything-possibly for the rest of the week. The problem was that I couldn't reschedule as the window for enrolling in the study ended that day at 5pm. So I had a decision to make...I made it.
Quite literally, I made it: I went in.
Honestly, I don't think I knew what I was in for when my physician said that I would be injecting myself with either the medicine/ placebo...daily.
Introducing the instruments of inconvenience and torture: Oh well, too late to say no-i don't want to be a punk and "mess myself" out of the amazing opportunity to get better. As everyone , with lupus, that I know, is trapped in an impoverished living scenario or dead; I thought it might be time to try something radical and different.
Furthermore, the synthetic prednisone was wearing on me and turning me into an emotional, bed-waggled mess.
 |
| this... |
I couldn't even seriously start my day until 12pm, which was severely limiting and of-times I would wake up looking like..well..
After two days of the Acthar, I woke up like:
 |
| this! |
However, three days in I noticed another-not so pleasant change. Well first my mom did (they always do)...she was like>>>>>>>I was like
People lie, and parents lie...but scales don't and sure enough after a week of taunting and meanery-courtesy of my mother, I found out that I had gained 21.5 lbs in two weeks.
I was looking at the physicians like something has to be done or
So I went home and my mom was like So I did this:
I started exercising more, because there was no gaurantee that I would/even could eat less due to the medicines side-effect being rapid weight gain...
Two weeks later, I had loss 7 lbs, which was nice, but not enough to make me comfortable or stop the fat jokes from my mom...
I came away from this knowing that no matter how people pretend, when they are skinny/fit, that getting bigger wouldn't affect their self confidence-they are a damn lie! I say stupid stuff like that to my big friends all the time, but I really believe that fat/thick is okay for them-because they are happy.
I think I look better and am more attractive as a skinny person...I don't even want a big booty anymore because it would effect the fit of my clothing. I can't afford new clothing. I can't afford to get fat (saith I, as I eat spaghetti and M&M's for breakfast).
So, until the next time...I will be working , working it out and working it off, because I can't stop eating...
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